Lost in a Beautiful Word

Being a young girl, growing up in this world, you see magazines, publishing pictures of young, skinny, women who are absolutely stunning. Of course, all is done with photo-enhancing, but this pictures and ads promote being 'beautiful'.
By the time I hit junior high, I never had much self-esteem. I always judged myself as ugly, or fat, along with any other negative word I could come up with.

I always heard of people being emo. And I never really knew what this meant, but we always seemed to use this term. But, while growing older, I learned of self-injury, cutting to be exact. I tried this a few times, trying to deal with my problems. But the scars and scabs left over after it was healed, always disappointed me. I always regretted it.

Then, one day. I came across the word : scarification. I was just surfing a tattoo website, looking at all the designs, wishing I were old enough to get one. I checked out this "scarification", it was amazing. Not only did it look cute when it was healed, but it also be an alternative for cutting..

Over a period of a few months, I 'carved' or 'cut' a design or two in my ankle. But still, none of this ever satisfied me. That is, until I came across a picture of a Chinese symbol as a scarification. I always wanted a tattoo of a chinese symbol, so this seemed perfect.

So I sat down at my computer and started to look at chinese symbols. I looked up the translation for pain, breathe, and a million other words. It had to be simple, yet pretty. I couldn't find anything. I wanted the word to mean something, to me. I didn't really care what other people thought. But eventually, I came across the chinese symbol for 'beauty' or 'beautiful'. It was absolutely perfect. I want to be beautiful, I always thought that to myself.

I began to attempt to sketch the design on some notebook paper, and I was pretty sure I finally had the drawing right. So, I layed down the pencil, and grabbed a pen. But then, I had to make another desicion. Where should I put this? It had to somewhere somewhat hidden. I thought of my ankle, no, I already have one there. My wrist, that would be to noticable. Then I realized, the top of my foot.

I began to draw the design on the top of my right foot, right below my pinkie toe. The symbol was no bigger then an inch by inch square. It made me happy, just looking at it.

I needed to find something to carve with.

-a razor blade, which didn't work so well last time.

-a needle, though I'm terrified of them.

I couldn't find anything that I wanted to use. I needed something, not to sharp, not dull. And then I remembered a friend told me how she had cut herself, with a bobbypin. I went into my bathroom and grabbed one. I used my teeth to pull of the plastic piece at the end of the metal. It seemed to be pretty sharp.

And so I began. I started with a single line. It didn't seem to be working. But, I continued. I pushed down pretty hard, and kept trying to carve a single line. Sooner then I thought it would, it began to bleed. I let it bleed and continued on the next line. In about an hour, my symbol was complete. Though, you couldn't see it. It bled like crazy. I wiped it off, and took a couple of pictures. It hurt pretty bad, I decided I would sleep on it.

I woke up the next morning, and without thinking, tried to step out of my bed. Right foot first, I stepped down to the ground. A sharp pain traveled up my leg. I looked down, and suddenly remembered what I had done the night before. You couldn't really see it, but.. I hoped it would turn out better tomorrow.

The next day came, and the cut looked excellent. With my red and swollen foot, I went to school. Everyone said it looked like I tried to carve a lobster into my foot. I didn't care. I loved it.

The next day came, and it was no longer swollen. It now looked just like I hoped it would. With a scab beginning to form over it, you could see the design perfectly.

Almost (not quite) a week has passed. I attempted to irritate it using different methods I found on the internet. Citrus juice and a tooth brush seemed to work the best.

As for now, I am very happy with my new body art. I also hope to carve angel wings in memory of a lost loved one into my other foot soon.